Gentle Parenting vs Authoritative Parenting
Gentle vs authoritative parenting compared: what each means, what research says about warmth and limits, common misunderstandings and how to find your balance.
Praise vs. Encouragement: How to Praise Kids Well
Praise vs. encouragement: what research says about praising effort vs. intelligence, descriptive praise, rewards and what to say instead of “good job”.
Key takeaways
- Praise for effort, strategies and progress builds persistence better than praise for being smart or talented.
- Specific, sincere, descriptive feedback beats automatic “good job” and inflated praise.
- Encouragement focuses on the process and the child’s own satisfaction, so kids keep going when no one is watching.
On this page
“Good job!” might be the most common phrase in modern parenting. Praise feels like the kindest thing we can give, and warm attention really does help children thrive. But research suggests that the kind of praise matters. Some praise builds resilience and motivation; some quietly teaches kids to avoid challenges or to perform for approval. The difference is often a few words.
Praise vs. encouragement
| Praise | Encouragement |
|---|---|
| Judges the result or the child: “You’re so smart!” | Notices effort, strategy or progress: “You kept trying different ways.” |
| Focuses on pleasing the adult | Focuses on the child’s own satisfaction |
| Often automatic: “Good job!” | Specific and descriptive |
| Can feel like pressure to keep performing | Makes it safe to try hard things |
This isn’t about never praising. It’s about using praise that helps children learn and feel capable.
What the research says
Praise effort, not intelligence
In a classic set of experiments by psychologists Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck, fifth graders who were praised for being smart after a puzzle test tended to choose easier tasks afterwards, gave up sooner when problems got harder and were more likely to exaggerate their scores. Children praised for their effort chose challenging tasks and kept going. Later research found that toddlers whose parents used more praise for effort and process were more likely, years later, to believe abilities can grow with practice.
Inflated praise can backfire
Over-the-top praise, such as “That’s the most beautiful drawing in the world!”, can make children with low self-esteem more anxious about failing and less willing to try new challenges, according to research by Eddie Brummelman and colleagues. Honest, specific praise is more believable and more useful.
Rewards can reduce interest
In a famous study, preschoolers who were promised a reward for drawing later spent less time drawing on their own than children who drew without a reward. When kids do something for a prize, the activity can start to feel like work. Rewards have their place, for example for chores that aren’t fun, but use them sparingly for things children already enjoy.
How to praise and encourage well
- Describe what you see. “You used lots of blue and made the sky go all the way to the edge.” Children feel noticed and learn what they did well.
- Name the effort or strategy. “You stuck with that puzzle even when it was tricky.” “You checked your answers.”
- Point out progress. “Last week you could swim to the rope; today you went past it.”
- Ask about their experience. “What was your favorite part?” “How did you figure that out?”
- Notice kindness and character. “You let your brother go first. That was generous.”
- Be sincere. Kids spot empty praise quickly. Save your enthusiasm for when it’s real.
- Say thank you. Appreciation for help, such as “Thanks for setting the table”, is encouragement too, and makes children feel part of the family team; see our chores by age.
Phrases to try instead of “good job”
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| “You’re so smart!” | “You worked hard on that and it paid off.” |
| “Good job!” | “You tidied every block into the box.” |
| “You’re a natural!” | “All that practice is really showing.” |
| “Perfect!” | “You must be proud of how that turned out.” |
| “Don’t worry, you’re just not a math person.” | “This is hard right now. What could we try next?” |
Praise by age
- Toddlers: describe what they did and share their delight: “You climbed all the way up!” Enthusiasm is fine; they’re learning that effort earns warm attention.
- Preschool and early school years: focus on effort, strategies and kindness, and start asking how they feel about their work.
- Older kids: be specific and genuine; they can tell when praise is automatic.
- Tweens and teens: praise privately rather than in front of friends, notice character and choices, and respect that their own judgment of their work matters more and more.
Encouraging kids after mistakes
How we respond to failure matters as much as how we respond to success. Treat mistakes as information: “That didn’t work. What could you try differently?” Share your own mistakes and what you learned. Encouragement in hard moments teaches children that effort, not perfection, is what counts, which helps with everything from homework battles to sports.
Don’t overthink it
No single phrase will harm your child. A spontaneous “Wow!” or “Great job!” is fine; warmth matters more than wording. Aim for a general pattern: mostly specific, sincere feedback about effort, strategies and kindness, with love that doesn’t depend on results. That connection-focused approach fits both gentle and authoritative parenting; see our comparison of gentle vs. authoritative parenting.
Frequently asked questions
Is it bad to tell my child they’re smart?
Not occasionally, but frequent praise for intelligence can make children avoid challenges to protect that label. Praising effort and strategies builds more persistence.
What’s wrong with saying “good job”?
Nothing, now and then. It just doesn’t tell your child much. Specific feedback about what they did helps them learn and feels more genuine.
Should I reward my child for good behavior?
Small rewards can help with new routines or unpleasant tasks, but use them briefly. For activities your child enjoys, rewards can reduce their natural interest.
Sources
Every article is edited by a human and checked against our editorial policy. Spotted a mistake? Tell us.
Keep reading
Time-Outs vs Time-Ins: What Works Better?
Time-outs and time-ins compared: what each is, what research says, how to do a time-out properly, when a time-in works better and common mistakes to avoid.
Natural vs Logical Consequences: Discipline That Works
Natural and logical consequences explained with examples by age: how they differ from punishment, how to choose fair consequences and follow through calmly.