Toddler Tantrums: What Actually Works (By Age)
Why toddlers have tantrums, what to do in the moment at each age, how to prevent the next one, and when tantrums are a reason to talk to your pediatrician.
Separation Anxiety: How to Make Goodbyes Easier
Why babies, toddlers and preschoolers cry when you leave, how long separation anxiety lasts, a goodbye routine that works, starting daycare and when to worry.
Key takeaways
- Separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage, often starting in the second half of the first year and returning around transitions.
- A short, warm, predictable goodbye works better than sneaking out or lingering.
- Talk to your pediatrician if fear is intense, lasts for weeks and stops your child joining in normal activities.
On this page
The tears at the daycare door, the toddler clinging to your leg, the preschooler who suddenly won’t let you leave the room: separation anxiety can make goodbyes painful for everyone. It’s also a sign of healthy development. Your child has formed a strong attachment to you and has learned that you exist when you’re out of sight, but hasn’t yet learned that you always come back. With a steady routine, most children move through it.
When separation anxiety happens
| Age | What’s typical |
|---|---|
| About 6 to 12 months | Distress when a parent leaves the room; wariness of strangers |
| About 12 to 24 months | Often the peak; clinginess and protests at drop-offs |
| 2 to 3 years | Can return with new childcare, a move or a new sibling |
| 3 to 5 years | Usually easing; may flare at preschool starts or after illness |
| School age | Occasional worry around big changes; persistent fear may need help |
Every child is different. Temperament plays a big part, and changes such as starting daycare, a new baby, moving house or a parent traveling can bring it back even in a child who had moved past it. Our guide to preparing for a new sibling covers one common trigger.
A goodbye routine that works
- Prepare ahead. Tell your child what will happen in simple terms: “After breakfast, you’ll go to Grandma’s. I’ll pick you up after nap time.”
- Arrive a little early so your child can settle into an activity before you leave.
- Create a short ritual. A special hug, a kiss on the palm to “keep”, a wave from the window. The same ritual each time signals what comes next.
- Say goodbye clearly and confidently. Keep it brief and warm: “I love you. I’ll see you after nap.”
- Then leave. Lingering or coming back after a cry usually makes the next goodbye harder.
- Keep your promise. Return when you said you would, described in terms your child understands, such as “after snack” rather than “at 3 o’clock”.
Don’t sneak out
Slipping away while your child is distracted may avoid tears today, but it can make children more anxious and clingy, because they learn you might disappear at any moment. A clear goodbye, even with tears, builds trust.
Practise at home
- Play peekaboo and hide-and-seek with babies and toddlers; they’re lessons in “gone, then back”.
- Practise short separations with a trusted adult, starting with a few minutes and building up.
- Leave the room briefly and narrate it: “I’m going to get the laundry. I’ll be right back.” Then come back as promised.
- Offer a comfort object, such as a favorite blanket, soft toy or a photo of the family.
- Read picture books about goodbyes and reunions.
Starting daycare or preschool
- Visit together first so the space, teachers and routine feel familiar.
- Start gradually if the program allows it, with shorter days at first.
- Share information with the caregivers: comfort items, favorite activities and how your child shows distress.
- Ask how drop-off went. Most children stop crying within minutes of the parent leaving; knowing that helps you stay calm.
- Expect some ups and downs, especially after weekends, holidays or illness.
At bedtime
Separation anxiety often shows up at night, when your child is tired and the room is dark. A calm, predictable bedtime routine, a night light and a comfort object help. If your child calls out, check in briefly and reassuringly, then leave again, gradually making check-ins shorter and less frequent.
Look after your own feelings
Children read our faces. If you look worried, they assume there’s something to worry about. It’s normal to feel guilty or sad at drop-off; save your own tears for the car, and remind yourself that a short cry is part of learning that goodbyes are safe.
When to worry
Some worry is part of growing up, but talk to your pediatrician or a child mental health professional if:
- fear of separation is intense and lasts for weeks, not days
- it goes well beyond what’s typical for your child’s age
- your child regularly refuses school, sleepovers or activities because of it
- there are frequent stomachaches, headaches or nightmares about something bad happening to you
- it’s getting worse over time rather than better
These can be signs of separation anxiety disorder, which is very treatable, especially with approaches that gradually build a child’s confidence.
Frequently asked questions
At what age does separation anxiety start?
Often in the second half of the first year, commonly peaking in the second year. It can return around transitions until about age 4 or 5.
Should I stay until my child stops crying?
Usually not. A brief, confident goodbye and a quick exit helps most children settle faster. Ask the caregiver to message you once your child has calmed down.
Does separation anxiety mean my child is insecure?
No. It usually means your child is securely attached to you. Consistent goodbyes and reliable reunions help that security grow into independence.
Sources
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